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The program for the Kennedy Center in Washington features a playful dual-language show and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Notably absent from the advertised schedule is the upcoming FIFA World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Organizers appear determined to avoid any uninvited guests from showing up at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory ceremony where highly compensated celebrities will doubtlessly parrot the old cliche that "football unites the world."

An A-List Line-Up

This glitzy ceremony is due to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Collectively, they will host a production that will undoubtedly have British football fans nostalgic for yearning for the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable velvet bag of wooden, numbered balls.

Set to last almost three long hours, the show will feature a seemingly endless agenda of speechifying, saccharine video montages, scripted jokes, famous faces, performances from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... at last, the real World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Detail

Among those helping to conducting the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and MLB star Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, untapped reservoir of charisma exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, short of an armed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's hard to envision what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's widely reported World Cup ticket price-gouging mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any sort of gauge. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for non-millionaires, the reply was non-committal. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are certainly an organization that are conscious of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are justified when compared with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already secured a place for next year's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the main draw begins. While fans across the globe wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will face in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast dedication and special actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is mostly in the United States, guesses about the winner are widespread, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the owner today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a coach with a team in the midst of a five-match winless run, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced should a dismissal occur in the future.

Audience Feedback

• "Regarding the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the opponent was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, requiring an encore?"